Monday, November 9, 2009

Life and its "I cant find a word"

"The world is a stage and we all are actors"

This is one of the lines of the famous play The Merchant of Venice. From the time I read that play, I had loved this line. For me it symbolized, the drama, the adventure, the passion that I longed and still long for in my life. It had given me a ray of hope at that time because for me a stage was a place where in the end everything ends well. Its just like the dialogue in Om Shanti Om, if all isnt well, to picture abhi baki hai.
At that point of time I had never realized that all is well wala funda works only for the hero and the heroine. Even then there are tragedies like Romeo and Juliet. I had never thought that at some point of time my life will actually feel like hell and the worst part will be that I will be completely helpless and unable to get myself out of that situation. All my thoughts had revolved around all the praises I was dreaming about. All the envy that I wanted to see in the eyes of my peers and others. All the romance that was in store for me. Never ever had the thought crossed my mind, that I will be the one who will be envying others and wishing I was in her place. That I will be the one saying congrats and not the one replying with a sweet Thank You. Now I realize what I dreamer I was and I guess still am.
Slowly as time progressed I faced huge dissapointments, learnt how to cope with them successfully pretending to be OK with all that was happening with me. I am not complaining that everything that happened with me was bad. I did get the chance to say Thank You for the wonderful parents I have and other small but significant things. But then I was not able to get a lot of things without which I had never thought that I will have to live on. I again admit I was unrealistic, but then a person never changes. Parivartan in a huge scale happens only in Mohabattein. For us we do change but its just a mechanism that evolves to help us deal with the current scenario. Deep down, actually just below the surface coating we still remain the same individual we were when we were born. So even though on the exterior I told confidently that I don't dream big and do not care about the results deep down I think I still dreamt big, still thought what will I do if this does not happen and all that shit. Even though I accepted every failure gracefully (actually my friends feel that I do not ever worry about my results and that I am very strong :P; maybe I am, who knows) I sat numb for days and at the end of all that still started with the impractical belief that everything from now onwards will go on smooth. I never got the sense to think that this might not happen even though I had the habit of thinking that everyone else will perform better than me. Maybe I always put too much responsibilities on God's shoulders which he found too heavy to bear at times and let me down. I always thought that even though I won't be the best, I will get what I want though all my life I never get the thing that I desire for madly.
I don't know how to finish this. Actually I can't finish it off because I will still continue to behave like this. All I can say is hopefully this time round I will try not to be over ambitious, I will try not to desire for the best; because maybe that is what you my dear God, want me to do. All I can say is I will try my best, but no matter how hard I try I cannot guarantee you complete success as Its you who never gave the confidence to guarantee 100% success with full conviction.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Its not the 1st tym dat m seeking a godfather

Its not the 1st tym dat m depressed

Its also not the 1st tym dat m homesick

But its d 1st tym when m realizing things aren't in my hands

No matter how hard I try, some things do go wrong

No matter how interested I m, ppl still think m jst too sleepy

No matter how much I try talking sense, I still end being kiddish or foolish

No matter how hard I try…

Its d 1st tym when I actually don’t know the way out

And its one of the umpteenth times when I badly need you